


my girlfriend... A GHOST?

by efthemia, imperfectForger, obeama, seaaanemones, sopnu



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Ghosts, Strong Language, phallic ghost rap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-13
Updated: 2012-10-13
Packaged: 2017-11-16 05:11:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/535880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/efthemia/pseuds/efthemia, https://archiveofourown.org/users/imperfectForger/pseuds/imperfectForger, https://archiveofourown.org/users/obeama/pseuds/obeama, https://archiveofourown.org/users/seaaanemones/pseuds/seaaanemones, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sopnu/pseuds/sopnu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i do think you could say that she is, in fact, out of this world!<br/>but in a different sense.<br/>maybe like as in a different plane of existence. you know?</p>
            </blockquote>





	my girlfriend... A GHOST?

dave.  
dave i have something to tell you.

John is leaning in so he's about three inches from your face, whispering dramatically. He has been wearing his Ghostbusters shirt for the last five days. 

It smells kinda weird.

ok sure go ahead  
maybe back up a little youre encroaching in my personal space here

oh my god. encroaching?  
okay, you have been talking to her way too much.

what like i cant have a good vocab  
maybe im doing sat prep on the side

John laughs. You pretend to be offended.

werent you gonna tell me something

He nods vigorously and, ignoring your suggestion, leans in to whisper in your ear again. Dude is glancing around the room like it's a James Bond movie. You've got to remind him that it's your apartment, not the fucking Secret Service building.

dave there is......  
something STRANGE about rose.  
do you know what i mean?

He elbows you in the shoulder and winks dramatically.

You have no fucking clue what he's doing.

what  
do you mean how her babe quotient is out of this world

yes, well, i do think you could say that she.. is, in fact, out of this world!  
but in a different sense.  
maybe like as in a different plane of existence. you know?

can i go back to playing bioshock

John sighs, reaches over to grab the remote, and turns the TV off. You stare at him open-mouthed and turn it back on. He walks over and yanks the cord out of the wall.

He knows that you won't get up to plug it back in. Evil little fucker.

no! dave, this is way more important than bioshock. it is so important.  
it is like, dude, pay attention to me important.  
have you noticed how the other day when rose sneezed, all the cabinet doors rattled?

not really

have you noticed how whenever she walks in the room, there is this weird cold breeze?

uh  
not really

John looks like he's about to hit you over the head with one of Rose's many copies of the Encyclopedia Britannica. She has three complete sets. Kind of scary, but also kind of hot, you guess.

dave!!  
you are such a dumbass.

hey rude

dave, you told me that one time when you guys were on webcam, she started to fall asleep for few seconds.  
and then.  
she DISAPPEARED.

yeah i also told you that my webcam is shit  
mustve been a bad connection

He pretends to slam his head against the wall. You raise an eyebrow.

dave.  
i am just going to say it.

ok sure man  
go ahead

He opens his eyes really wide and stares at you. You think he's trying to look serious and intimidating.

dave, your girlfriend is...........  
a GHOST.

hahaha oh man  
i was expecting something serious  
nice one bro

He looks affronted. A board creaks on the stairs behind you, and he jumps nervously, then leans in to whisper in your ear again.

dave, no, i am serious!  
i KNOW.  
i am like, the expert on this stuff. you have to believe me.

You laugh.

ok if youre actually serious then oh man  
youve been watching too many movies  
have you not seen me and rose getting it on

i've seen you kiss, like, twice.  
i don't think that counts as "getting it on."

hey no thats like legit relationship stuff

John is still eyeing the door nervously. He sighs again.

ghosts are not necessarily insubstantial all the time, dave!  
my theory is that it has something to do with her concentration.  
maybe if she thinks really hard, she can exist physically on the same plane as us.

really  
am i really hearing this john

fine. fine! i can see that you aren't going to believe me.  
i guess i will just have to... catch her in the act!  
it's getting kind of cold in here, which is probably going to randomly coincide with rose coming into the room, because oh yeah, SHE'S A GHOST!

John stands up and hands the TV remote back to you. It is getting kind of cold, you notice. You've got to remind Bro to fix the AC. You've been on his case about it for fucking weeks, but will he listen to you?

hey if youre leaving could you plug the tv back in

hell no!

douchebag

John opens the door and almost bumps into Rose. He practically jumps out of his fucking skin.

Hello, John. You're blocking the doorway.

oh, sorry. i figured that you'd, you know, find another method of entry.  
i guess i was wrong! how about that? wow.

He stares at her. She raises an eyebrow and coughs delicately.

The doorway?

oh, yeah. sure.

He moves aside and she walks in with a swish of her skirt. Rose has a lot of long black skirts- she’s got the whole goth thing going on, which is actually kinda cool.

hey rose

She sits next to you and folds her hands in her lap.

Sup.  
So are you still taking me out later?  
I am expecting only the most chivalrous and suave of actions on your part.

yeah how do you like mcdonalds

Oh my god.

You glance over her shoulder to look at John in the doorway. He has his hands cupped around his mouth and is mouthing "GHOST" in a really exaggerated way.

Rose glances over her shoulder at him, raising her eyebrows.

Is he alright?  
I wasn't aware that one could catch laryngitis so suddenly.

oh yeah hes just a dumbass

hey!!

You ignore him and put your arm around Rose's shoulder very casually. She doesn't hit you or anything. Oh yeah, you are so smooth.

so for our date  
have you ever been mini golfing

Why do I put up with you?

well i have a bootylicious ass

That you do.  
I suppose I'll just have to spend the hours of mini-golf torture standing behind you. That should make things bearable.

\---

MONTHS AGO, BUT NOT MANY...

user pretentiousPhantasm created thread Soul or Spirit- Discuss.

pretentiousPhantasm posted at [22:34:54]:  
Many cannot tell the difference between the two types of sentient “ghosts” present in the world. The first, and most common, is the imprint of a human soul left behind after death. This is the type that is most typically associated with the word “ghost.” The second, both less common and less well-known to any except those versed in supernatural lore (myself being one of these, though I do not mean to brag) would be more accurately be called a spirit. This division has many subcategories. There are spirits which are the sentient “souls” of both animate and inanimate objects- these such spirits are the foundation for religions such as Shinto. Shinto followers believe that there is a spirit of some sort in every creature and object on Earth. They are not, in fact, wrong. However, a less well-known subcategory of spirits exist, and these are very similar to souls- the only difference being that they have not died. “Ghosts” in this category have either existed in the same form since birth, born on a separate plane and bleeding through into our reality, or they have been transformed from human to ghost through some means. Human spirits and human souls are essentially the same, yet quite different. Therefore, the question I pose is this- other than the obvious factor of death, how does one differentiate between the two?

ohshitaghost replied at [22:43:35]:  
id be willing to wager that there is no fucking difference

pretentiousPhantasm has blocked ohshitaghost from this thread!

-

user ohshitaghost created thread help my dick is haunted.  
ohshitaghost posted at [11:10:03]:  
took me a while to think of something to post  
but i figured id mention whats been bothering me most  
afraid to say that my dick is a host  
to what i call Long Dong Silver Almighty, the ghost  
now im not sure what to do with this spirit  
but if youve got advice im ready to hear it  
wish i didnt have to go near it  
but my dicks a part of me so  
yeah

pretentiousPhantasm replied at [11:15:44]:  
Would you like me to perform an exorcism?

ohshitaghost replied at [11:16:32]:   
fuck yes 

-

private message from  ohshitaghost to  ghostlyTrickster   
so john this chick on the internet totally offered me a blowjob yesterday

private message from ghostlyTrickster  to  ohshitaghost   
haha, yeah right!

private message from  ohshitaghost  to  ghostlyTrickster   
[http://ectoforums.com/thread/helpmydickishaunted.htm](http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/240/3/8/sbahj__distactions_wall_by_dix0ak-d4862hi.jpg)   
no seriously look

-

private message from  pretentiousPhantasm to  ohshitaghost   
If you would still like that consultation, contact me privately. My chumhandle is tentacleTherapist.

-

private message from  ohshitaghost  to  ghostlyTrickster   
ohshitaghost  attached file [bitchesloveme.png](http://i.imgur.com/91Bu1.png)   
look john she so wants me 

-

You talked about dick ghosts with her and then at some point you became friends.

Like whoa.

-

TG: so hey rose its almost summer now   
TG: spirits roaming free and wild like horses in a meadow   
TG: or souls whatever   
TG: but the ghost in my nether regions is still ready and waiting   
TG: you promised me an exorcism   
TG: rose are you even listening   
TT: I have booked my flight.   
TG: what   
TT: It leaves on Thursday. I hope that’s alright.   
TG: ok cool

turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum!

[](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbusENG6hCE)

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: bro oh my god oh my god   
TG: rose is coming to visit next week   
TG: what the fuck do i do   
TT: Hot internet goth Rose?   
TG: what other rose is there   
TT: Take a long shower.   
TT: And clean your room, it’s a fucking pigsty.

-

TG: hey rose so i know youre on the plane now but   
TG: since youre actually gonna be here   
TG: like in person   
TG: i was wondering maybe do you want to   
TG: shit   
TG: uh   
TT: Yes?   
TG: oh fuck youre there   
TG: well maybe we could go somewhere   
TT: Are you asking me out?   
TG: yes   
TT: Yes.

\---  
  
IN THE PRESENT...

Your name is Dave Strider, and you can say with certainty that you’re on a date with the grandest gal in the country. The skies are clear, the sun is shining, and Rose Lalonde is staring uncertainly at it, clearly upset. Within seconds, clouds materialize as if summoned by a nerd with a big ol’ blue sock on his head, incisors meant to be at home on a beaver. You crane your neck at the sky - and then it’s back to mini-golf.

You smack one of the golf balls with a mighty thwack, and to your abject horror (and embarrassment), it sails through the air straight for Rose, who is standing with her back to you.

whoa shit watch out lalon -  
oh nice dodge

pssst dave. the golf ball went....... THROUGH HER HEAD!!  
that is not normal, dave.

clearly you havent seen the matrix egbert  
wait why would you see the matrix  
you only watch the shitstains on the carpet of cinema excellence  
wait hold up john get out of here you little shit

nuh uh. it’s a free country! and i paid good money to be here.

whatever man just get out

\---

You take her to McDonalds, because you’re a teenager and broke (and c’mon it tastes like an over-hydrogenated unhealthy grease heaven). You guess you also take John, because he follows you, seemingly oblivious to the amount of times you’ve called him a piece of shit and the steady stream of ‘go away’.

Seated at a booth which is slightly sticky with food, John fixes you with an over-the-top mysterious grin and then stares at Rose.

are you going to eat your hamburger, rose?

if you arent ill eat it

shut up dave!

Go ahead, Dave, I’m afraid I must announce that I am a vegetarian.

if you are a vegetarian, why did you order a burger?

In a fit of masculine pride, Dave ordered for me.

hey sorry i thought that was how it was supposed to go  
and i figured if i ordered the wrong thing i could eat it so like

you should eat it anyway, rose.  
you shouldn’t be deprived of your nutrients, you know.

The amount of trans-fat and other harmful vices within this square inch of burger would send most nutritionists to hell. I sincerely doubt this will aid my growth, more certain it will stunt it.

dave likes girls with some meat on them, you know what i mean, hahaha.  
eat the hamburger rose.

No, I think I’ll pass. Thank you for your concern.

eat it, rose.  
i am onto you.

Is something amiss, John?

i am.......... ONTO YOU.

Your eyes are a rather intense shade of blue, John. Thank you for placing your irises within three inches of mine for easy viewing pleasure.

dude lay off youre a freak

Your date sighs, picks up the burger and eyes it distastefully before taking a bite. John watches, slightly bug-eyed, as she chews, swallows, then immediately excuses herself to the restroom. As soon as she closes the door, the restaurant (can you even call McDonalds a restaurant?) lights flicker, then shut off, leaving dozens of grease enthusiasts clutching their burgers in the dark. A green glow comes from the ladies room door.

wow they really need to fix the power in this dump  
jesus come down from the heavens and bless this fine establishment as to make it less of a piece of shit and more of a suitable place to take a girlfriend thank you your friend dave strider

Rose reappears next to you.

Dave, I’m fairly certain that’s not how you are supposed to end a prayer.

no shit i said your friend im sorry im not on that kind of personal level with jesus  
are you ok any weird sentient shit in the bathroom or anything

no, but that sure was unusual.  
i think that you could maybe even call it SUPERNATURAL.  
right, rose?

\---

Your name is John Egbert and you are on... a MISSION.

You have been staring knowingly at Rose all evening, especially after you saw that little stunt with the golf ball. You know her secret.

Jade gives you a thumbs up. You wink at her. Phase 1 is so on.

hey guys, so i think we should watch ghostbusters tonight.  
are you down for that, rose?

Why are you winking at me, John?  
Much as I adore your dorky charm, my heart belongs to another. I am committed.  
Maybe call me later.

hey is this something i should be worried about

Certainly not. My fidelity is yours entirely.

Oh my god, they are kissing now. That is so gross.

You pretend to puke, only to have Jade kick your ankle. She gives you a meaningful look that clearly is meant to remind you how you are on a MISSION. She is right.

so, ghostbusters?

I have no objection.

sweet!!!

wait hold up  
harley when did you get here

john invited me you doofus!  
dont mind us  
you wont even know that were here ;)

[ ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KiW7zE77dz0)

Ten minutes into the movie, Rose sighs and buries her head in her hands.

This movie is ridiculous.  
I’m sorry, but it’s not believable in the least.

and how would you know, rose?  
huh rose  
how would you know?

no man i agree these effects are fucking awful

shut up, dave!!!  
no one asked you!

that is a nice top, rose.  
what is it made out of?

You reach out quickly and touch her arm, but apparently she is smart enough to anticipate that. Her arm is completely solid and normal. You decide that it is time for Phase 2.

You wink at Jade. She winks back.

rose.  
i am going to touch your butt now!

oh my god, jade!  
that wasn’t what i told you to do!

Excuse me?

no really dont mind me!  
i am just investigating  
it is like a friendly butt touch among friends only!

harley what are you doing  
stop fondling my girlfriends admittedly choice ass

dave i am sure that you will be glad to know  
that roses ass is very nice and firm :)  
sorry john!

Moments pass in silence.

rose can i touch your legs too?  
just to make sure???

\---

After the fifth pencil you’ve thrown bounces off her head, Rose excuses herself to go “for a walk.”

Oops.

john egbert you horses ass look what youve done  
now shes going to go be goth and sulky in the dark for hours

okay, sorry!  
what am i supposed to do about it?

ok you know what  
i am going to go change and then we will play mario kart until she comes back  
you with me

yeah!!!  
hurry up and come back so we can kick your gay butt :P

[ ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdOstVSouao)

\---

There is a knock at your window.

You zip your pants up hurriedly, and walk over to look. Rose is standing outside. She reaches out and touches your cheek.

Hello, Dave.

hey rose

Rose is softer and quieter than you usually see her- she pushes your shades up to the top of your head with gentle fingers, coated in dust from gripping the windowsill.

She smiles, then, and leans in to kiss you. You smile, and let her.

And that’s when you realize it.

rose uh  
we are on the top story

Yes, we are.  
You may want to sit down.

You stare at her.

did you like leap over here from the fire escape  
are you fucking superwoman

Sit the fuck down, Strider.

You sit on the edge of your desk and poke your head out of the window to stare down at her feet, which are sort of floating.

so john-

Yes.  
He was correct.

uh  
youre a ghost

I’m a ghost.

oh

She gives you a small smile, more hesitant than normal. You swallow, and hold out your hand.

do you want to come inside

Do you want to make out?

yes

Yes.

**Author's Note:**

> writing: [efthemia](http://efthemia.tumblr.com/), [cloudling](http://cumulae.tumblr.com/)
> 
> first illustration: [psonu](http://psonu.tumblr.com/)
> 
> second illustration: [obeama](http://gikerot.tumblr.com/)
> 
> third illustration: lines by [lovelytoken](http://lovelytoken.tumblr.com/), colors by [ imperfectForger](http://latulalula.tumblr.com/)
> 
> fourth illustration: [psonu](http://psonu.tumblr.com/)


End file.
